Sick of Being Sick

Lillian is sick of being sick. She's hungry enough to ask for food only to have one bite before the nausea sets in. She's bored enough to want to play only to need a rest 5 minutes later. How can a 2 year old be content to lay around watching cartoons all day? How can anyone thrive on a few bites of pancake? I can see her tolerance wearing thin.

I am sick of watching her feel sick. It's agonizing to watch your child feel lousy and not be able to fix it. I know the light at the end of the tunnel is growing brighter but this last half seems to be moving in slow motion. What I wouldn't give for one day in the midst of this with the old Lillian.

We recently met a family with a 3 year old newly diagnosed with Leukemia. They have 2 other kids at home and 3 1/2 years of chemotherapy ahead of them. It brought a new perspective to our battle. Here are a few thoughts that have been filling my head since meeting this family:

I am thankful:

• Lillian likely won't remember any of this.


• She isn't missing any school.


• The treatment is only 6 months long.


• My amazing company and generous manager granted me this time with Lillian.


• Jeff and I only have Lillian to focus on right now.
• For the Barney song that allows me to steal a hug and a kiss everytime we hear/sing it.

I miss:

• Watching my little girl play with other kids.


• Trying to keep up with her as she runs around the park.


• Eating at a restaurant. (It's not due to a lack of invitations, thank you all.)


• Work - my wonderful teammates and flexing my mental muscle


• Innocence - not knowing how to give a shot or flush a line or how to pronounce medulloblastoma

But mostly my mind is filled with what time she needs her next dose of magnesium and whether to call the doctor about her diarrhea. And always the nagging worry of recurrence or worse. Pray that this treatment does the trick and our little girl grows into the beautiful woman God created her to be.